Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Me
Monday, January 10, 2011
Elizabeth Edwards
I wish the weather had been nicer. I felt a bit guilty lugging the kids to a protest on a cold, rainy day, but honestly, I think I'd have felt more guilty later had I not. Something about the Edwards clan always touched me from the moment I first heard their names back in 2004 during the presidential election. Quite frankly, I thought the ticket should have been reversed and if it had, I think things might have gone differently, but who knows? Nevertheless, Elizabeth impressed the hell out of me. I was already considering law school. She helped finalize my plans. I'm not saying the family's perfect. Clearly there were issues, but who among us doesn't have issues? They were dealt some hard blows and lived not only to tell about it but tried to make things better for others so I respect that. So not to go do what I could to help the family of a woman who influenced my life just never really was an option.
It was a balmy 39 degrees and drizzly when we arrived, and the energy in the air was intense. Almost immediately, I could see Matt was pretty interested in the events. I had tried to explain what we were doing and why on the way. Seeing it himself helped a lot. Some kind strangers helped me hoist Matt onto a pillar so he could get a good view of why we were there. I have a nice shot of him perched on the pillar with a gal holding a nice sign behind him. We walked around a while, people and sign watching. When people drove by, they would shout or beep their horns at us, and the crowd would clap and cheer. Vivi joined in on the clapping. Essentially the goal was to be louder than the Westboro group to drown out their hateful words. I think that was achieved.
Shortly after, the bottom dropped out and it simply wasn't feasible to hold a baby, push a stroller, keep a hand on a nine year old, and hold an umbrella to keep us dry so we ducked into a nearby museum to dry off, change a diaper, and have a snack. Unfortunately when we came out, everyone had dispersed. But we were there. We saw those hateful people firsthand. We outnumbered them by the hundreds. And I think that says a lot.
What hit home was when Matt saw the sign "Thank God for breast cancer!" He looked at me and said, "That is the meanest thing I've ever seen." I replied, "That is why we came. We wanted this family to know that most people don't feel that way. We are better than that." Later we saw the equally incredulous "Elizabeth Edwards is in Hell" sign. To that Matt replied, "I know that's not true, Mommy." I know it isn't as well.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Bullies
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Power of Words
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sucker-punched by Song Lyrics
Voice Inside My Head
I was only a kid
When I said goodbye to you
Ten summers ago
But it feels like yesterday
Lost, scared and alone
Nothing I could give to you
I tried, I really did
But I couldn't find another way
And I want and I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around
So I, I made my way
Cold and roaming in the wild
I'm forever changed
By someone I never knew
Now I've, I've got a place
I've got a husband and a child
But I'll never forget
What I've given up in you
And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around
And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down
I wonder what would it be like with you around
What would life be like with you around...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Paul McCartney
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Song of My Life
That got me to thinking. What is the song of my life? If I had to narrow it down to one single song, which song would most represent what I stand for and how I’ve lived my life? It’s quite a daunting task! My mind immediately ran through a list of my favorite tunes- songs I can listen to over and over again while never tiring of them.
A myriad of artists crossed my mind: The Beatles, of course, which is no surprise to anyone who really knows me, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Dixie Chicks, James Blunt, Eric Clapton, Billy Joel, Jimmy Buffett...
While all of those artists definitely qualify as favorites, none had a song that shouted ME. I had to keep thinking. Then while considering "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" by Elton John, a single moment played back in my mind. I was nineteen and in my first year of college at West Georgia College in Carrollton, GA. I randomly signed up for a psychology class since I have always had a love of the subject. I had this interesting, off-beat professor named Anne Richardson. I found it telling that her name instantly came to me after all these years. We did a lot of writing in her class so I, of course, loved it! Once a week, we met in small groups for more intimate contemplations. My group leader, Becky, had us each bring in our favorite song, and we had to explain why we chose it. I brought in that Elton John song I mentioned above. Becky brought in a song I had just become familiar with- "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. Upon listening to it more closely that day, it became a favorite of mine as well. I immediately went out and bought the CD and promptly loved the entire album. Well, actually, I believe it was a cassette tape, but the inadequacy of my media of choice at that time is completely irrelevant to the topic at hand!
I’m trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you’ve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I’m crawling on your shore.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
This song screams ME! I’m the person never satisfied with what I’ve got or what I’ve achieved. I’m always searching for the next big thing to make me "better." I’ve spent a great deal of my life looking for something that was in me all along. I’ve looked through education, reading, religion, careers, many, many things. I wanted to be a teacher so I got my B.A. in English Education and started teaching. Then after figuring out that teaching wasn’t my calling, I dove head first into being a stay at home mom. While ultimately a great idea for Matt, I was freaking miserable and unstimulated intellectually on any level. Law school caught my eye, and I jumped feet first into that fire which ended disastrously and expensively. In my life, there has always been something calling to me saying "There’s more. You can do more than you are doing. You can be better. You are meant for more than this." It’s actually quite exhausting to be constantly searching for the single thing that is going to finally make me feel like I have gotten somewhere important, that I am finally somebody important, that I have made my mark on this world.
Jim fits well into this song for me, too. He is the goofy, kind man who above all else has always made me laugh. "The best thing you’ve ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously. It’s only life after all." He has spent a lot our marriage trying to convince me it’s okay to be goofy, silly, even strange and that it doesn’t matter at all what other people think. I’m the person worried about social norms and not calling attention to myself while he’s standing behing me walking like an ape trying to make people look. It’s pretty ironic really.
And in reality, the kicker in this blog is that it’s all completely meaningless. The source of my happiness is, of course, controlled by me, and no amount of success, money, or stature can guarantee happiness. Ultimately, I have decided that my time will be best spent figuring out what I can do that will satisfy me and make enough money for us to live comfortably and then spend my extra time doing the things that move me. Life is about passon and happiness- not stature. As the song goes, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." That is I- getting closer to fine.