Revolutionary Road

I just returned home from seeing this fabulous movie. Fabulous doesn't touch the surface. It was perfection. Inarguably, the best movie I have seen in years. I would even go so far as to say Sam Mendes is a fucking genius and surpassed the brilliance of his American Beauty- one of my all-time favorite movies. However, I am much puzzled by the extreme response I have had to seeing it. Now crying during or after a movie is no shocker to me; it happens all the time. I cried a few weeks ago at the end of Titanic after seeing it for the umpteenth time; I cry halfway through "Little House on the Prairie" episodes because I know what's coming; I am a crier! No doubt about it.

My issue is the amount of crying and the lapse of time which has passed without my having truly composed myself. I am still tearing up as I write this. It was a sad movie- no doubt about that. However, I don't think it's any sadder than, let's say, Million Dollar Baby, Juno, or The Prince of Tides, all of which brought me to tears by the ending. I seriously lost it during one scene in the movie and again at the end. I thought I had myself composed enough to leave the theatre. I was wrong. Walking towards the exit, I felt the water works coming and ran out the door to my car. I cried, no bawled, the entire drive home (a good 25 minute drive). The hubby called on the drive and I could scarcely pull myself together enough to talk to him. I had to brave a store to pick up dog food knowing I looked like hell. Now, here I am typing this an hour later, and I am not yet myself. This movie knocked me like a ton of bricks!

Okay, so I get that having had some marriage issues over the years that this movie is meaningful to me on many levels. I also get that the baby issues (I won't give anything away) are poignant to me having a child and one on the way. All that makes sense to me. However, I am still baffled by the extraordinarily over the top reaction I am having to the movie. This is so not me at all...

Anyone out there who has seen the movie, I am open for thoughts and suggestions. Or anyone out there who has ever had a seemingly strange reaction to a movie, I'd love to hear about that as well.

The Bitch of Insomnia

Here’s my disclaimer: If you are easily offended by language, stop here! If you are uncomfortable with the topic of sex, stop here (though the sex stuff is brief). This is my attempt at describing the rushing thoughts that come to mind as I am desperately trying to get to sleep. IMO, I have reason to use expletives in my brain as all this is happening, lol; if you disagree, so be it.

Oh, and before I forget, this is written from rote memory! I am in no waying proclaiming that this occurred verbatim, lest I become the latest James Frey crying on Oprah’s couch as she announces how disappointed and betrayed she feels upon learning that A Million Little Pieces wasn’t entirely true. This is the truth as I recall it! And by the way, A Million Little Pieces is a brilliant book regardless of accuracy so James I still love you! It is a poignant read for all- particularly anyone who has lived through addiction or knows somehow who has. And really now, who doesn’t fit into one of those categories these days??

But I digress... on with the rolling dialogue...

Okay, so it’s been a pretty shitty week, but it ended better than it began. That is something to be thankful about. Matt hasn’t had a fever since 6:30am. That’s good news. We all took the dogs for a walk which is great family exercise and pleases the dogs too. I just had great sex so I’m all relaxed; that’s a good thing! Aahhh, really great sex, can’t complain about that at all... Dr. Oz recommends how many times a week?? Is it three? I wonder how many people actually do that... I’d like to see the stats on that one... I wonder whether my sex drive is normal? What the fuck is normal anyway?? Dammit, Jim is asleep already!! How in the hell does he do that so quickly?!? I truly am envious of that! Envy- one of the seven deadly sins. Hey, it could be worse. Which one of The Canterbury Tales stories involved envy. The only one I can remember is The Wife of Bath at this moment, but that was a different sin. Okay, so anyway, I got a little exercise, I had really great sex, and I ate pretty good today. They say those are important- whoever "they" is! Maybe "they" was Dr. Oz too. I like him! And he’s totally hot too- nice-looking and smart just the way I like ’em! He is definitely my favorite part of Oprah’s shows! Maybe I’ll buy his books. LOL, I surely don’t have enough books yet! Yeah right! So back to food... Well, I did eat Totino’s pizza rolls for lunch- BAD idea. I was burping the damn things they whole time I was sitting in B’s waiting room while Matt was in therapy. I had grits and turkey sausage links for breakfast, Matt’s idea of course. For dinner, hhmm, leftover spinach and a Subway sandwich. My utter disgust in anything white and creamy comes in handy here. Mustard has far less calories and fat than its gross white counterparts. Is a disgust in most anything white and creamy considered a phobia? I do fear accidentally eating them. I compulsively check my food for it before eating anything, and I can’t even make a sandwich with mayo for anyone else. Anyway, can’t complain about the calories and fat grams I save myself! Dammit, I should have had turkey instead of roast beef, but well, I wanted a change. I did put almost every veggie on the thing. I wish she hadn’t put so much oil & vinegar on it; I asked for "a little" and she poured it on. Oh well!

Okay, quit stalling! Start the sleep techniques you got in therapy. I can’t believe I have a therapist! I never would’ve expected that one, but she’s cool. Seeing her calms me. I need that. Anyway, on with the toes doze! The paper said the average person gets to the knees. The last two nights I have given up after I made it all the way to elbows- not a good sign! Maybe practice makes perfect...

Concentrate on your left toes- only the toes. Let everything else fade away. Don’t move the toes. They’ll start to tingle if you concentrate hard enough and don’t move em. Cool, I feel it! On to the right toes.

Did we close the garage door? I’m pretty sure we did after the walk. We’ve left the damn thing open twice this week. No, I KNOW Jim closed it tonight.

Get back to the toes. Good, still tingling. Keep going. Left ankle. Still your mind. Only think of the ankle. Tingling... Good, right ankle. You can do this! Only the right ankle.

Did you pay the bills. It’s payday time again. Okay, Kathy you know fucking well you paid the bills yesterday, and not only that, but you double-checked today to make sure you didn’t miss anything! Stop it!

Right ankle. Good everything is still tingling. Keep it going. Left calf. Only the left calf. Okay, good. Right calf. This is starting to move along quicker. Maybe that’s good.

Uh oh, I haven’t given Doppler her incontinence meds the last two days. That’s not good. Poor girl has to have that regularly. These carpets are already shot to hell. We don’t need anything else on them. Whenever it rains, I can already smell the prior dogs who lived here. That lady was gross! The carpets definitely need replacing. That is the biggest obstacle to getting this house into awesome condition. Wait no! The fucking wallpaper is the biggest obstacle in this house. I abhor wallpaper!! Whoever invented wallpaper should have ended up shipped off to the Dry Tortugas with Dr. Mudd. Now there’s a man who got a bum rap! Poor guy didn’t know he was helping the man who assassinated Lincoln! And his poor ancestors still have to live with the phrase "Your name is Mudd" as part of our standard lexicon. That sucks. But Mr. Wallpaper inventor- for him I have no sympathy. LOL! Speaking of the Dry Tortugas, we really need to go back to Key West. It’s been way too long. What was it? 1994! Good Lord, we had only been married three years then. Wow!

Anyway, yeah back to the house: Get rid of all wallpaper, new carpet, new hot tub cover (or preferably enclose the whole thing so I don’t freeze my ass off getting out of it in winter), and get rid of paneling downstairs. This house would be practically perfect! It could use some landscaping too... It is still my favorite house we have ever owned. I do love and miss Pensacola, but I love this house. Hell, I love Raleigh too. Man, I really miss San Diego. If I could have that weather and way of life here with this house, it would be perfect. I had great friends in SD. That is the best part of my law school hell! I have so many regrets about law school, but I can’t regret the people I met. Rach, Morgan, Tejal, Deborah, David, Shannon, Jay... I wonder how they’re all doing? LOL, I know how Rach is doing. I talk to her everyday! But dammit, I wish they’d transfer out here. I swear I’d drive to Jacksonville every weekend just to eat lunch with her- a worthwhile two hour drive! I also miss my orange tree in my backyard and my neighbor’s lemon tree. I made really good marmalade from those! I wish I had some of my marmalade left...

Dammit, that was a rough tangent! The tingling is all gone. I’ll have to start over. Left toes. Right toes. Left ankle. Right ankle.

I’m going to make some cakes this weekend. I’ve never made red velvet. MawMaw makes her with less red food coloring and it turns out looking pink in the spring. That is perfect! What a wonderful idea for Easter. I can take one to work. I’ll make one for Jim’s work. Maybe I’ll bake one each for B and S to thank them for all their help so far this year. Seriously, I don’t know how I would be surviving right now but for them. They definitely came around at just the perfect time- serendipity perhaps?? Hhmm, I’ll have to make a practice one to make sure I can handle it. Surely I can. The base cake mix is the same as the yellow cake and the chocolate, and I’ve got those down cold. I can’t wait! I love a new baking challenge!

Oh shit, I did it again. At least the feet are still tingling. Where was I? Right ankle. Good. Keep going. Left calf. Right calf. Left knee. Right knee. Left thigh.

Oo, ee, oo ah, ah, ting, tang, wadda, wadda, bing, bang. What the fuck?? I am singing the Chipmunks’ "Witch Doctor??" What the hell is wrong with me? What time is it anyway? I have been lying here for over three hours, and I am suddenly singing a Chipmunks’ song. Dammit, I give up.

Just so you know, there is much more. I don’t believe I ever went to sleep last night. I really can’t see the clock without getting out of bed since the IndoGlo is dying in the thing, and I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and check every time I felt the urge. These are just a few of the things floating through my brain early in the night when I still had some sanity (open for debate) left in me. I don’t even want to think about what might have happened later on in the night! Heaven forbid!